The School Reunion

I'll preface this post by saying that I'm not seeking sympathy or the like - I'm just sharing what is whirling around in my thoughts at the moment.  I've been mulling this post over in my head for over a week now as I wasn't completely sure what I wanted to say or even whether to say anything at all.  As you can tell, I've decided to put pen to paper, or rather fingers to keyboard!

 

This coming weekend there is a school reunion happening for my year from school - it is 30 years since year 10.  I've been contacted by a few people to invite me along and ask if I was going to attend and therein lies the dilemma.  You see, I've been struggling with the decision of whether to attend or not.  Now I know this is not exactly a 'life decision' but I've still struggled with it.  I guess I should provide some context.

 

I'm a passionate advocate for anti-bullying laws in schools and society in general and this isn't just because I'm a gay man who has witnessed bullying.  I've been bullied - as a teenager it was relentless.  Now I'm not going to go into specifics or name and shame, but on a daily basis throughout my high school years I was bullied physically, mentally and emotionally to the point where it affected my grades, my self esteem and my self confidence.  I'll confess that I considered suicide on a number of occasions.  What's that saying? - "Your school years are the best years of your life" - pffft.  I never, ever want to relive that time of my life.  I got through it though because I had the most wonderful group of friends, some of whom were also experiencing the horrors of bullying first hand too.  I haven't mentioned my family as part of this story because I never let on at home - I was too ashamed and embarrassed.  In hindsight, that was ridiculous!

 

Has all this shaped the person I am today?  Most definitely.  Some of it good, some not so.  I think it's made me a champion of the underdog, sympathetic, empathetic and passionate about certain causes.  It's also made me lack self esteem and self confidence as an adult and has caused hideous bouts of depression at times.  As for now, I'm finally coming out of that place.  I have a wonderful partner of 23 years who has shown me that it doesn't matter and that I can succeed.  I'm proud of the fact that I've been anti-depressant free for a number of years now and I gain self esteem and confidence on a daily basis - I'm in a good place and I think it's evident to those that know me.

 

Anyhoo, back to the indecision.  The voyeuristic part of me wants to go to the reunion to check them all out, the moved-on part of me feels that I already keep in touch with the people from school that I wish to keep in touch with, and then of course there's the scared little teenager!

 

And all that, dear reader, is the reasoning for my indecision on this matter.

 

So what did I decide to do?  I'm not attending the reunion.  Does this mean that the collective 'they' have won out?  Does it mean I've moved on and these people cease to be a consideration in my life?  Or is there still a bullied, hurt and scared teenager lurking just a little too close to the surface for comfort?  Perhaps it's a bit of all three!

 

Wow, this has been quite cathartic as I've never shared these thoughts and emotions with anyone other than the lovely Wayne and now here I am putting it out there on the WWW. Hmmm, that's me, all or nothing!!

 

What would you do?  Would you go to your school reunion?  Or have you been already?  Feel free to share your reunion thoughts and experiences below in comments.

 

G. xx