Bum-Cam

Something that I'm sure I've stated in a blog post at some point is that there are no taboo subjects on this blog (consider yourself warned).  In keeping with that point I'd like to share with you dear reader, my take on colonoscopies.  The ins and outs if you will.  Why?  Because I'm linking up with Kirsty over at My Home Truths for her I must confess... linkup and today's topic is medical confessions.

Some background.  And sorry if it's a bit 'heavy', but it is what it is.  Both of my maternal grandparents died of bowel cancer when I was in my early twenties.  When I was in my early thirties, my mum had part of her bowel removed due to the same thing - she's now 70 and going strong.  Then in my mid thirties, my (then 32 year old) sister had surgery for the same thing - she'll be 45 this year and is the picture of health.  Despite genetic testing not showing any markers, that's three generations of bowel cancer.  So colonoscopies are now de rigueur in my family and as such are talked about (and joked about) quite openly.

Anyhoo back to my confession.  I went for my first colonoscopy almost 12 years ago at the age of 36.  For those not in the know, this is a day procedure in hospital and involves a general anaesthetic.  Now I hadn't had a general anaesthetic since having my tonsils removed at age 6 and had no idea what to expect.  I was worried that the anaesthetic would make me say/behave inappropriately as I came out of it.  It was a thought that was on my mind and worrying me as I came to in recovery.  The following is the lovely Wayne's recollection of the exchange that happened in the (full) recovery ward between myself and a very patient nurse...

Nurse:  Hi Gary, how are you?

Me:  I'm good, I'd really love a good fart though (they 'inflate' you to make it easier to shove a camera up your arse do the colonoscopy)

Nurse:  Go ahead, you'll feel better.  Would you like something to eat?

Me:  Yes please (see, manners)

The nurse arrives with a sandwich and a cuppa.

Me:  (thinking I'm speaking quietly) I haven't said or done anything embarrassing coming out of the anaesthetic have I?

Nurse:  The anaesthetic won't make you say or do anything you wouldn't normally do.

Me:  Oh shit.  I probably told the surgeon to fuck off then.

Nurse:  (laughing) I'm sure you didn't.

I should also point out that the waiting room for family members was adjacent to the recovery ward and the lovely Wayne later told me that every word I said could be clearly heard from said waiting room.  And I was talking VERY LOUDLY apparently.  When I was finally allowed to leave (in the care of the lovely Wayne) I was then trying to direct traffic in the hospital carpark.  This is another of those occasions when my family refer to the lovely Wayne as "Poor Wayne".  This is also why the lovely Wayne gets nervous when I go for my three yearly visits.  So there you have my medical confession - that I was a right pain in the arse when I went for my first bum-cam experience.

Lastly, a tip for you if having a colonoscopy.  The worst part of a colonoscopy is the 'clean out' the afternoon before.  You get to drink a little potion the day before.  Many visits to the 'throne room' ensue.  Due to the number and nature of visits one's 'freckle' can get a bit raw.  My tip is to pop a dab of Am-o-Lin cream on after each visit.  This will ensure that following day when you're ready for my close-up Mr DeMille, your 'freckle' doesn't look and feel like someone's thrown a bucket of hydrochloric acid over it.  You're welcome.

G. xx